MY REVOLUTION: MONOLOGUE

(Inspired by a very dear friend who forced me to stop and listen)
My revolution starts today,
by listening to that voice inside of me, getting angrier and
angrier telling me, „you’re nearly 50 years old and you’ve
never been a woman before.“
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the perfect daughter, who didn’t complain, doing what she was asked to do, always staying in the background.
I’ve been the little girl who mastered the art of hiding the hurt behind a smile when everybody forgot about her birthday.
As I grew up, I became the perfect student on the student board, fighting for everybody , not herself.
Than I met my husband. Finally someone who was there for me, I wasn’t the odd one out anymore. It felt good. It felt right.
For a very long time.

The little girl, covering everything with a smile, ignoring the voice screaming inside her, appeared when the woman was woken up in the middle of the night, to fix what didn’t go right during the day,
adapting to a new culture without any pardon,
accepting the judgements about her life, trying to fit in, to change… I became a mother of 2 beautiful kids who adore me.
I took up a teaching job. It made me feel free. I was starting to become my own person, so I told myself. It felt good, the standing ovations at shows, the hugs and gratitude of parents, thanking me for all the compassion I’ve shown towards their kids. With this came more responsibility, because people trusted me and when I go home in the evening, sleeping on my feet, not being able to have a coherent conversation anymore, the grown woman’s voice keep getting stronger, hating the little girl who still hides behind the smile and did everything what is expected of her, without any complains.
Lately I’m a Producer and Writer, doing not less than 3 jobs on a set, feeling really good about myself at the end of a 12hour day when everything happens according to plan.
When I grew ill, someone told me that we all get only one body that we need to listen to.

My Revolution starts now, with the voice of the grown woman getting louder, screaming:“You wander why I’m suddenly making it so hard on you, why I’m sending you to the hospital over and over again, why I’m throwing you into an emotional turmoil of tears and laughter everytime you talk about me?It’s because I want you to listen to me! Stop wandering what went wrong!Just accept me for who I am and let me be the woman I am!!
Feelings have the habit of waking us up. I was 13 years old. Now, strangely enough what makes me catch my breath thinking about this one night, is not the fact that my bedroom door was slowly closed and that I had a strange man looking down at me, it’s that cold feeling inside you, when every nerve goes deadly calm, your voice suddenly miles away and the only thought in your mind is that something is very wrong.

A few weeks ago I had this feeling again. Stronger ! For one second I was in this cold, dark place, where nothing and noone matters anymore, where every nerve in my body went deadly calm. Nothing mattered what I did. It scared me. I ran out of an empty house, to see people, to see colour, to breath. To every woman who think of staying in this place, who are there today, rise, move, put one foot in front of the other, dance. It is time.
Listen to that woman and let her come out.
The Revolution is here.